Depression and me

It's funny how society shames a person with mental illness. It's funny how people are more concern about physical pain and not about a persons mental or emotional pain. 

Hi my name is Mo and I have suffered a TBi. The result of suffering a TBI has lead to me being diagnosed with clinical depression. Let me back up TBi is the new common term. What I have was diagnosed as brain damage. Trouble with some short term and longer memory loss and mood swings. 

The new term is now Traumatic Brain Injury with clinical depression. Yeah doctors have tried their so called magic pills did they work NO. What worked for me was reading and what I use to do was write. 

There are nights that I cry and cannot figure out why. There are days where my mood is so dark than I really do want to pill a Janis Joplin, what gets me thru is my boys my babies who love me worts and all. But having this never ending dark tunnel is a bitch. 

I try to be support for my friends but sometimes I wonder will I ever have a support friend. 

Having a TBI gave me other issues, I do have social anxiety, I have what so e doctors have called facial and facial seizures. I don't to well in large crowds unless I am with someone I can trust. 

The funny thing is I am scared to tell folks how I mentally feel. There are days I tell people what they want to hear and not what I feel. I don't want to be label the chick with the mental issues. So some days I just say "Eh" or " I ain't dead yet ".

So now y'all know I am not as sane as society wants me to be. There's more to me but I am not willing to share. So I'll leave you with this little ditty.
Do you see me, do you see inside the pain I have to hide. 
Yes I make you laugh but those are the days I cry.
Because I have to hide the struggle inside,

Do you see me, do you know I hide.
all because I'm struggling to stay alive.
Do you know I'm one pill away.
from pulling a Janis Joplin I joke about everyday.

Pull up your big girl panties I have been told.
But the numb nutted fucks don't actually Know 
how their words make me feel 
Like what I'm feeling is not real.

There no magic pill to make my hurt go away.
Because I live with depression everyday. 
No they don't see me or know how I feel.
Cause their condescending words adds to my ills.

I walk in the darkness trying to find the light 
Wishing I had someone to tell me it's gonna be alright.

Do you now see me and understand
Every now and again I need you to hold my hand. 

Why Blacks don't do open carry

Why don't blacks do open carry?

Ha ha I know it is not a laughing matter, but sometimes you just have to laugh at the stupidity of a question. I was recently reading an article on Daily kos and someone asked why don't blacks do open carry. 

My first thought was are you serious, no I mean are you seriously asking this jackass question. Let's be serious for a moment and let's talk honestly back in the early sixties when the black panthers first came into existence they were a non for profit black social organization. Who primarily did the things for the lower class and the poor social services agencies did not want to do. 

The black panthers did not start out as a domestic terrorist group. But they were treated like one for many reasons. The main one being race, when a group of color men started a free lunch program, pre school and other services that the poor was not getting. mr. Charlie aka Law enforcement community did not like that so what do they do they try to take them down. So what did they do they tried talking to local officials and showed them they were on the up and up. But nooo Mr. Charlie did not like that so they started harassing them by using white supremacist to harass and threaten the black panthers. So to protect them selves they legally brought guns, rifles and ammo. 

Well lord knows those negros are going to start an uprise and we can't have that. The the infamous shoot out between the LAPD and the Black panthers. All because they wanted to assert their second amendment rights. 

Now let fast forward to now, if a black man wanted to do open carry he would be on the six o'clock news as a dead man. Why because law enforcement does not want to see African Americans with guns. I am a card carrying member of the NRA, I am a legal gun owner in two states and hopefully I can add NY to that list. Would I do open carry hell no why cause I like my life. 

Recently we heard about a young black man with an air rifle being shot down by law enforcement in an open carry state. The funny thing a middle age white man walked  in to an airport displaying his AR15 assault rifle was he gunned down no they cops just arrested him and took his gun away. So tell me again two open carries and two totally different out comes.

Again ask me why blacks don't do open carry. Cause if we did there would be a bullet in our backs. 

Being a minority in an NYPD world

Being a minority in an NYPD world.

This will offend many but I truly need y'all to think what it is like to be a minority of color and sexually orientation in an NYPD world. I'm not cop bashing cause I know some that are wonderful but I want y'all to understand the culture that is the NYPD and their so called CPR in my book means. Cruelty, Profanity and Racism. 

What does it mean to be a black person living in NYC when the NYPD want to see me six feet deep. It means as a mother I have to worry about my unarmed sons being shot down for standing their ground. For asking questions when their constitutional and civil rights are being violated when they have done nothing wrong.

See I have been on both sides when dealing with the NYPD as a victim, as a professional and as a parent. You see when I was the victim of a shooting, I had a Sargent tell me I know nothing about violence or living in a violent neighborhood. Well me being me I had to let him know I grew up on a place that at one point was known as the carjacking capital of the world. 

As a professional I use to see violence in my day to day activities as a DV social worker and how they treated the victims. See what they don't want to let the world know is that law enforcement has the highest rates of alcoholism, divorce and domestic violence. 

As a parent the cops stopped my oldest son when he was in middle school wanting to search his bag before he got on the subway. I told them no he is a minor and he is going to school. I told my son to go , the cop was like no. I told my son get o. The train. Like my said told the cop I gotta live with her, she is more scarier than you. When my son left they said they can hold me for interrupting their job. I told him to get his supervisor and precent commander. Let's just say he was shocked when a higher up told him he was wrong for approaching a minor.

When I went to pride this year people do not understand facial expressions tell it all. I have seen the way the older cops look at the pride participants with sneers and utter disdain. I always say if you do not want to work pride give the job to someone who will work it with pride.  When it comes to dealing with violence against the LGBT community if it is not an election year or you have pro gay politician they do not want to investigate it. Like I said I have seen it up close and personal. 

The thing with the NYPD is that they are racist and they are still homophobic. Please  do not say but you have minorities officers . See those officers want to be accepted so bad by their lighter colleagues that learn bad behaviors those are the cops I call the house niggas. I am not going to bite my tongue. 

So yeah I have had my dealings with them, yes you have some cops that are great at their jobs. But you have the ones who think having a gun and a badge gives them the biggest set of dick and balls around. 

So what happened to Eric Garnier is nothing new, the PBA union dick Pat Lynch is always going to be a yeasty infected pieces of shit. To the house niggas in the PBA union who let Pat Lynch parade them in front of the cameras, don't think you are equal cause you are not y'all are just another set of niggas and spics in their eyes. 

So yeah I used the for mention slurs for folks to understand how they NYPD really see the general public. 

Saying something nice to Authors

Saying something nice to your favorite Authors. 

Recently Miss.Sue Brown posted on her status say something nice to author day. To me it sounded like a great idea but also for me I was like I could but I don't want to be seen as a demanding, not knowing her boundaries stalker reader. 

Over my short very young life time, hush it (Kage and Marsh), I have made friends with a lot of authors. Some have become very close friends. Authors have given readers a way to escape the daily stresses of everyday loving wether it's from EDJ, jackass relationships or just everyday family life. Sometimes I don't think how much an author may have saved a person or given them the courage to finally live their dream of being a writer and y'all have. Ohh trust me I am not a writer by any imagination and never will be. 

But when I am not feeling well I know I can pick up my iPad flip my kindle app and find books by authors who works I enjoy and love rereading. So as a reader I want to say thank you.

But also remember your reader can be your biggest support when others won't and they can also be a good friend and sounding board. 

To the authors who I have been a sounding board to I thank you for that and can't wait to read what comes up next.

Sincerely 

An avid reader and fan.